Coming full circle....Paying it forward
Another momentous day in the life of a Navy Mom. A few short years ago I stood in the parking lot of MEPS watching my life walk away to start his life. I was so angry.. I was mad at the world. Watching him as he stepped up on to that bus and turn around to look back one more time as if to make sure I was still there was nothing less than what I could imagine the torment of the fires of hell would be like. My life was falling apart before my eyes and there was not a thing I could do but cry and worry like I had never before done in my life. I would pray for sleep..it was the only place I could find peace...because when I slept I would dream...and after 18 years of loving that kid through his entire childhood my dreams were the only place I could find him. I would sit for hours in his room...reliving every second of his life from the moment I first held him until the moment he stepped on that bus. I could not imagine that a heart so broken as mine could ever heal. 9 weeks seemed like an eternity...like a never ending long black tunnel without even a glimpse of hope or light in sight. I struggled...oh how I struggled for those weeks. I wrote letter after letter.. I cried tears upon tears.. and I prayed..... and I prayed some more. I questioned my faith when God didn't provide the comfort I thought I deserved. I lashed out at the wrong people and I fell flat on my face.. It was brought to my attention by a woman I didn't even know...a very seasoned and wise Navy Mom who had already walked the well worn path before every new Navy Mom. She taught me many things.... but the main thing she taught me was how to fly.... She always said that the wings a Navy Mom must earn to simply get by are close to those of an angel... Little by little with her help I pulled myself up off my face and I started by walking...she always said that one day I would fly but let me know that it was ok to walk... But to never let another Navy Mom suffer through a mistake I had already made without trying to help. She called that paying it forward... I promised and I have done my best...and today after almost 3 years I had my first confirmation that even though she passed away almost 6 months ago she left a little piece of her heart in every life she touched. You see...to me she was my mentor...she was like a hero... and today my friend's work of paying it forward came full circle when new Navy Mom called me her hero... and I explained it to her just as I had it explained to me and it goes as follows...
I have been called many things in my life but Hero has never been one of them!!! I am flattered. Thank you so very much. I can remember when I got the first response from the Navy Mom I mentioned in my discussion "for when you are struggling" who became my rock until her passing a few months ago... I thought the same of her. I can remember thinking ... gosh..when will I ever be so put together and when will this get any easier...when will my anger go away...and why?, why?, why?, did this happen to me....
Well today it is you that deserves the thanks...your message brought me full circle with the "pay it forward" promise I made to her.... Let me explain...I am not sure what your definition of a hero is but I am flattered you feel I meet those standards. Now let me tell you what I really am.
I am a nothing more than a mom who's heart was breaking a few years ago just like yours is breaking now, I am a mom who loves with her whole heart, I am a mom who cries, I am a mom who often stumbles in her faith, I am a mom who gets angry, ...but what sets me apart from you right now is nothing more than water under the bridge, trial and error, and a few thousand more tears. I am nothing more than the person you will be a few years from now when you will be able to pay it forward just like me.. So with every bit of gratitude I have in my heart let me say this...Thank you but I am no hero I am just a mom who understands your feelings of loss and emptiness who was in the right place at the right time ready to pay it forward...I am however the mother of a Hero!!! and so are you!!!!!!
Having said that.. I am not sure I will ever measure up to the Navy Mom she was but now I have seen how "paying it forward" comes full circle just as she promised me it would....
Please visit my group and if you would like to join in please feel free.... I can use all the help I can get... If you do join in and find you like it please pass the site along to all of your N4M friends... I want this group to take off and reach every Navy Mom that we can....
God bless you and your sailor... You have a testimony to share and I would love for you to do so with our group
http://www.navyformoms.com/group/payingitforwardnavymomstyle
I have been called many things in my life but Hero has never been one of them!!! I am flattered. Thank you so very much. I can remember when I got the first response from the Navy Mom I mentioned in my discussion "for when you are struggling" who became my rock until her passing a few months ago... I thought the same of her. I can remember thinking ... gosh..when will I ever be so put together and when will this get any easier...when will my anger go away...and why?, why?, why?, did this happen to me....
Well today it is you that deserves the thanks...your message brought me full circle with the "pay it forward" promise I made to her.... Let me explain...I am not sure what your definition of a hero is but I am flattered you feel I meet those standards. Now let me tell you what I really am.
I am a nothing more than a mom who's heart was breaking a few years ago just like yours is breaking now, I am a mom who loves with her whole heart, I am a mom who cries, I am a mom who often stumbles in her faith, I am a mom who gets angry, ...but what sets me apart from you right now is nothing more than water under the bridge, trial and error, and a few thousand more tears. I am nothing more than the person you will be a few years from now when you will be able to pay it forward just like me.. So with every bit of gratitude I have in my heart let me say this...Thank you but I am no hero I am just a mom who understands your feelings of loss and emptiness who was in the right place at the right time ready to pay it forward...I am however the mother of a Hero!!! and so are you!!!!!!
Having said that.. I am not sure I will ever measure up to the Navy Mom she was but now I have seen how "paying it forward" comes full circle just as she promised me it would....
Please visit my group and if you would like to join in please feel free.... I can use all the help I can get... If you do join in and find you like it please pass the site along to all of your N4M friends... I want this group to take off and reach every Navy Mom that we can....
God bless you and your sailor... You have a testimony to share and I would love for you to do so with our group
http://www.navyformoms.com/group/payingitforwardnavymomstyle
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Johnny Banana on -
Thank you so much for this great story.My son left yesterday for boot camp. I got my 30 second phone call at 1:30am this morning, and have not stopped crying since. Although my friends and famiy try to help, they do not understand. They keep comparing this with him going away to college, and NO it's not the same. You get to talk to your college kid almost any time you want. I will not. He did not move around the corner for me to drop in and visit.
I know to keep my eye on the big picture, he will come out of this a great man, but there is just no explaining the loss and anxietyI feel. It's goodto know that I am not the only person that is feeling, or has felt this way.
To hear all these stories and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that there is someone out there that has been there and understands is a tremendous relief.
Thank you
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Permalink Reply by Grace on -
Oh my, as i read my heart sank as all thoses feeling's, perfectly articulated what we all feel as mothers. My son has been in one year. I am so proud of him!!! It does get a little easier. I have learned that God loves my son like his own, and I must trust my son in God’s care. Pray, praise and trust the hand of the one who trusted them in our care.
God bless and thanks again for that awesome letter.
blessings Grace
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Permalink Reply by kitty on -
I know exactly what you are saying. My son left for boot camp a week ago. I hugged him and watched him walk away. I did pretty well until I walked in the door at home and then I fell apart. I felt like my heart had been torn in pieces! I cried in gut-wrenching sobs. The only time I remember feeling so bad was when my mother died. I sobbed for three days. I prayed for him, I hurt for him because I knew he would be in so much pain being away from home for the first time in his 18 years (except for some trips with friends he knew - so not the same), and I felt like a part of my life had ended. He was gone. He was grown up now. Yes, he'll still need me and I knew he wasn't gone forever, and this was the best thing he could ever do with his life right now. My head knew this, but there was no telling my heart that. IT HURT! Then I logged on to NavyforMoms. There I read a long posting of a mom about her son's boot camp experience. Just knowing what he will be doing and the things he will have to go through was like a switch was flipped and I was better. Yes, I miss him. I know he is having a really hard time. Instead of accepting this, he is really fighting it. He is making it so much harder for himself then it needs to be. I can't seem to get him to understand to just go with the flow. That it won't last long. And he is not alone - others feel the same way. So, I still hurt for him and I'm so anxious. Today, I had another little cry, because I wanted him to be here. But it passes quickly now. This site is the greatest thing there is. I know the recruits have a tough time at basics, but so do us moms. It helps to know that you are not alone. Keep it up, ladies.
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Permalink Reply by Wendy on -
Your story really touched me because it feels so much like mine. I just attended my son's graduation from Basic Training this past weekend and have really been grieving my loss of him. Not only has he left for the Navy, he is preparing to get married and I feel like his heart no longer belongs to me. I'm the woman who has known him for 19 years...he was my best friend...and yet I have lost him. I'm really having a hard time and have felt guilty, thinking I'm overreacting. It was comforting to hear your story, knowing there are other moms who feel like I do. I do have the Lord, thankfully, and He does give me strength for each day. But it is definitely still hard!
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Permalink Reply by czacher on -
I am bawling like a baby as I read this. He left just 2 days ago....it already seems like an eternity. I thought being an army wife for 20 years would have made these last few days easier. I was wrong. I know it will get better. And your words here on this website let me know I am not alone and what I am feeling is ok. Thank you for bearing your souls so I can see that it does get better, and that what I am feeling is normal.
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Permalink Reply by Hummingbird on
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wow you described how I felt when I let my son leave 4 weeks ago. I do miss him terribly but I am also very very proud of him. Your words were so encouraging to me and yes we are all mothers of heroes. thank you
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Permalink Reply by NavyDCmomma on -
Very well said, I try to payitforward every day witht he new Navy Moms here, God bless you and your families...most of all your Sailor! Sundays are always hard for me because that was 'family' day. I want to encourage every mom to see well into the future that today is just a bridge to tomorrow where there is always promise and hope. I am lucky, I hear from my son a lot so I am looking forward to tomorrow already!
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Permalink Reply by stanford66 on -
I would like to thank you for this post! My son just left Monday for bootcamp. Everytime I log onto our computer his picture is right there. I cry at stupid commercials,evertime someone tells me to let him go (HATE THAT!),I find something in the laundry that is his, too many things. Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited and proud of him....just selfish. He and I have been through alot as he grew up. I count all of "my guys" (hubby,both my boys) as my best friends.It felt like I was losing one my buddies! But, I know he is about to start a wonderful life...adventure... I am really thankful for this post...this whole site! It's just so hard right now. Alot of people do not understand why I feel like I do. We had to take his number off our calling plan with our cell phone because our stupid plan does not cover where he is at. I had to explain to the nonfriendly operator why I had to take his number off and just cried even harder...the operator was not understanding why I was so upset and asked alot of stupid questions...crazy I know...But, when I read your post it was like SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS ME FINALLY! So, yes, your mentor would be very proud. You have helped me tremendously. Thank You very much.
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Permalink Reply by fan4jr on -
My son was scheduled to go to San Diego on Monday of this week. I took him to the Navy office and after a tough goodbye and trying not to breakdown in front of him I waited until I was home went in the room and shut the door and lost it. I cried and begged God to help me deal with this. I got physically sick. Then he called me to come pick him up because they were bringing him back from San Diego and he had to go back on Tuesday. GREAT, I had to do this all over again. I took him back Tuesday which I appeared to be a little stronger for him. Now this is Thursday and he will fly to Great Lakes today and then I will wait for the phone call. I was watering my front yard and watched the school bus pull up at the end of my street and the little kids with their back packs getting on and starting their school adventure this year. It seems like yesterday that it was my boy at that corner and I was just as terrified when he got on that bus for the first time. Then he went on vacation with his Aunt and I stood in the airport parking lot and cried as I watched that plane fly off to the other end of the United States. For almost 22 years he has been my job, the center of my life and I feel so empty.
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Permalink Reply by fan4jr on
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I got the phone call from my son this afternoon. It was short and scripted. I asked him if he was OK and he said yes but he had to go and then I told him I love him and he said you too. He always says you too when I tell him I love him. God Bless and take care of our children.
Jeanne (Edward's Mom)
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Permalink Reply by trloguem(ship11/div119) on -
This is awesome! It moved me to tears. I can understand all your emotions. Being a Veteran Sailor (10 years, out now) and my Husband who is a retired Navy Chief, Our youngest Son who we have been so very close too is leaving for BC in Jan. Your Post makes me think about my husband's Mother (who passed away while he was at sea a few years before he retired). And how she must have felt when her youngest Boy left for BC during Vietnam.
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Permalink Reply by Tina(ship 12 div 377) on -
WOW. Incredible. Lost for words but you explained exactly how I and many other mothers are feeling................Job well done to you! And to your friend.
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