Convincing my son to join-right or wrong?

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Permalink Reply by valeriejean on November 16, 2009 at 3:00pm

Penny - From the age of 5, my son wanted to be in the Navy. He did DEP the summer of his junior year...and August of this year he went off to boot camp. He was home by the middle of October! He had several medical problems that compounded on each other. If he gets his waiver's signed and wants too, he can try again in 12 months.

My point is my son came home a different person. He is not the broken kid that many of the families get back, thank God, but he was aimless and not motivated, couldn't figure out what to do with himself! He agreed he would have to pay reasonable rent and be required to pay for most of his own stuff (not including food)....as well as pitch in around the house if he wasn't enrolled in school, full time. That was the compromise we reached....he will be going to the local community college next semester and as long as he has a grade of B or higher in each class, he doesn't have to pay rent. Otherwise my son would have been happy to sit around the house, play video games/computer all day and do nothing. I know its difficult to get tough with our children, but in the long run, are we helping them more by letting them be "useless" or making them make a choice and follow their own choice. My suggestion is you set boundaries for your son...tell him his has X # of months/days to figure out what he wants to do, but after a specific date, things will change at home and he will be expected to pay rent, help out, or whatever....just give him a set of concrete expectations and then you have to be willing to follow through with the consquences if he doesn't live up to those expectations/agreements.

As a side note, the military is difficult enough for those that want to join, by trying to force a child, you are risking alot, especially if it doesn't work out!

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Permalink Reply by D'sMum35 on November 16, 2009 at 3:17pm

This is your sons life. My son talked about this before graduation. He didnt sign. He was going to go to the Police Academy, and worked as an electricians helper. He started talking to the recruiter. He tested for SEALS. But he choose another job instead. But here is the point. It was his choice. Not mine. He loves the Navy. This is the kid who was super popular and the jock in school. He is 21 and drives an M3. His friends ride the bus, or bikes, or really crappy cars. The Navy has a lot to offer. My son is on his first deployment. So far so good. The boy turned into a man, when I wasnt looking and that is what your husband wants for his son. But it has to be your sons' decision, or it will not be a good four years. Give him the info and let him work at Wallyworld for min. wage....let it sink in his brain. and support him no matter what. (Mine is in for 6!). God Bless, and good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Kim on November 17, 2009 at 10:04am

I allowed my son to fall down and grow up a little before making his decision. He was very bright but immature and unorganized (ADD). He went to community college which he passed/failed for 2 years. I paid but he had to work 2 semesters to pay for the courses that he failled. We had given him a time limit and he had a curfew. We explained it was our house and although he was over 18, he had to abide by our rules if he wanted to continue living with us. Eventually, I had to sit him down and tell him that he had 6 months to find his own place. Our house is nice and comfortable and he had all the books and video games he needed. He spent the first month trying to figure out how he could become an electrician. He was bored and he wanted to make a life for himself. I sent him to visit my dad in Florida. He asked my dad to take him to the Navy recruiter and the rest is history.
He was very immature and needed that time to grow up and appreciate the opportunities of the Navy. I am positive that he would not have done as well if he went right after high school. Now, he is a trained electrician and has 30 college credits.
Only you and your husband know what is best for your son. My only advice is to NOT allow him to be an "adult" (18) living in your house. If he stays, you need to set rules and a time limit that are fair to you and your husband.

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Permalink Reply by Joyful on November 17, 2009 at 1:32pm

Sheila,

My son has been in for nearly 3 years coming up this Christmas. That was the hardest for all of us, since his Birthday was on Christmas Day. Our family time with our two boys was the most important part of our family life. To this day he is doing quite well. Thank God is is stationed at Whidbey Island, Wa. We do get the opportunity to have him visit more than we thought, since we all live in the same state. He only has two years left. Indeed it was very hard in the beginning. Being away from our family and his friends. I must say he is the one and only person that made this decision. Based on ideas from his Grandfather that served in the Navy and later become a wonderful well respected Doctor in our community. He knows in todays troubled times when jobs are tough and education expensive that this is the right decision for him. He has had his tough days also. What a great bunch of wonderful friends that he has made in this new adventure. Well respected young men of our future. WE are so proud of our son and commend him for his decision.
Joyful

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Permalink Reply by Carolina Mom on November 17, 2009 at 5:21pm

Hi Sheila -

My son just graduated Boot Camp and is at A School for the Nuke Program. He is smart as a whip and did really well in high school, but did not know what he wanted to do. He did know that he wanted to travel. He approached an Army recruiter at school who came to talk to us and although my son was anxious (based on the bonus they were offering), I was not sold and asked my son to contact the Navy office. He did and the recruiter came to the house, talked to us for about 3.5 hours and then gave us time to think about it. My son did research online about the Navy, as did I. We were both sold and my son became a DEP in November of last year. He scored a 96 on the ASVAB and was encouraged to take the Nuke test. He left in September of this year and like I mentioned just graduated bootcamp. The first couple of weeks were a little rough, only because it was new and my son got a little homesick, but after that every call was wonderful. I asked if he regretted his decision and he told me "not a bit". We are so proud of our son and the changes in him since he left us 9 weeks ago are amazing.

One thing that our recruiter did mention is that they have until the day they leave to change their minds. Hope this helps some. Good luck.

Cristie

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Permalink Reply by Mom25 on November 17, 2009 at 8:59pm

Sheila,

These ladies all have some amazing insight. I would have suggested some unbiased career coaching/counseling, not just involving your son, but a session or two with the family to enhance communication. Think of it as an investment. There is even some software out there that can be helpful. Aptitudes and interests aren't always the same. I gave some to my daughter when she was making the decision on whether or not to pursue medical school. It was very helpful to her, and she decided to stay in the lab and loves it there. She decided the pressure cooker was not her best choice and I fully support her in that.

Our Navy son announced last year at the age of 27 that he had always wanted to be a pilot! Where was I all of that time?? It sounds like you listen to your son better than I did. He's now in training to be a Naval Flight Officer, as his eyes aren't good enough to fly, and being an NFO is the next best thing, according to him. I was horrified when he signed up for the USMC on his 18th birthday, as I assumed everyone went to college. Some days he was happier with his choice than others. There were positives and negatives. After four years, including nail-biting deployment, he got out, went to college (most of it abroad) and traveled. I have to admit that it was nice to have the GI bill and the USMC college fund footing the bill. I see college as a good investment, whether one "uses" their degree or not. Vigorously pursuing financial aid pays off, regardless of one's financial situation. After college graduation he was back at square one sorting out career choices for a year, because he'd finally figured out that he needed one (remember, he was 27, not 17, and under our roof for much of that year)! Perhaps getting married helped him come to that realization. He did work at temporary jobs during that time. He explored a number of options. After almost a year after applying (and giving up) he was notified that he had been selected for Naval OCS with the designation of NFO. When that notification came he had a very good paying technical job, but it involved sitting in front of a computer for twelve hour shifts, which is so not him (think action and adventure). There can be many twists and turns in the journey. I have finally figured out that my job is to pray for him and trust God, in addition to being a good listener. I can tell that you are listening to your son. Parenting isn't just for 18 years - it's for life. Any decision has consequences, and none of us ever know what tomorrow holds.

I recently watched in horror as a beloved nephew washed out of the Marines Corps and no one knows for sure where he is now. Before he went to boot camp at 17, I wish I would have spoken up and encouraged them to fully explore all his options, because I could see where the Marines might not be a good fit. It was a hasty and impulsive decision. Going into combat is not the place to apply for maturity and explore one's identity. Those who are conflicted about joining tend to end up with the most severe psychological consequences.

Every family and every child is unique, so there is definitely "no one size fits all". I wish you and your family all the best on this journey. - Chris in CO

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Permalink Reply by snoozymom on November 17, 2009 at 9:22pm

Chris in CO, I like the idea of counseling but my husband doesn't believe in any of that. Besides, it costs money. Believe me, I've tried. One thing you said really struck me:

"It was a hasty and impulsive decision. Going into combat is not the place to apply for maturity and explore one's identity. Those who are conflicted about joining tend to end up with the most severe psychological consequences."

This is exactly what I need to hear and what I was afraid would happen. My son is very sensitive and even had a hard time facing the thought of braces and high school. He was almost losing it with those things so I think the Navy might really be to intense for him. It's just not his style.

To all who have replied here so far: I have gotten so much from all your responses. I am sorry I can't answer you all individually but be sure that I took a little something from each post that touched me and helped make sense of this whole thing. This site is the best thing ever and I am glad that the Navy has such a great place to connect and share ideas. I am proud of all your sons, daughters, husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends that are serving in the US Navy. Thank them for me for serving and keeping this great nation safe and secure. I am proud to have "met" you all! Sheila

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Permalink Reply by mrswilli6 1 day ago

Sheila, I read all the posts and thought they were all insightful.
My son graduated high school a year early with a b+ average. He received two scholarships; One from the state and the other from the community college. He did two years of school and flunked out. He did one year of just messing around. His father and I wanted to rip out our hair and his. It was very tense around here. We Sent him to my fathers in South Carolina, did no good.
This last Feb. at the age of 19 he decided he was going to join the Navy. He just thought it was time to grow up and he made this decision himself. He is 20 now He will be leaving in two weeks for boot camp and then for Nuclear school. We could not be more proud.
My husband is hard on our boys. He wants to make sure they can make it in the real world. He just wants them to be the men he knows they can be. He just wants them to understand they can only wait so long, after that they are truly on their own. Every Parent needs to know their children are cared for.
Being young these day's can be hard. There are not many jobs for teenagers and school costs have jumped. Kids are very indecisive also. They have to decide what to do for the rest of their lives. That is overwhelming! This is the only time in their lives they get to choose the road they want. Your son knows the avenues you both are guiding him to. Now he just has to choose. Give him some time. He will realize on his own which road to take.
As he get’s older Let him know when you will cut him off. For our boys it is 21. That way there is no excuses for not getting a job because of their age. ( heard “I am not old enough” a lot when they couldn’t find a job.)
Give him a few choices: School, with which he has to help with the costs
Military, any one of them
Work, what ever it takes to make it
As he is deciding, slowly wean him off: for instance. No more gas money. He can take the bus., no more money period. Not even an allowance. Grown men have to work for there money. That way he knows that a choice needs to made very soon.
I Hope that helps. Good luck, Let me know how it goes.
Teresa

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Permalink Reply by snoozymom 9 hours ago

Teresa, I love what you said. Thanks for sharing your story. I know it's hard for all types of kids to make these decisions for their lives. I like your limits you put for your boys. They seem firm but fair. That gives them a few years to "discover" themselves and see what the world holds while still living at home. Good ideas all around. Thanks! Sheila

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