Jacob's Best Friend was Killed at College Last Night

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Permalink Reply by Brenda Sue on January 25, 2009 at 12:18am

hm - I think I would talk to the chaplain in Great Lakes. Your recruiter or Red Cross should help you contact him.

Real sorry to hear about this!! I just noticed that you are from Katy. What college did this happen? One in the area? I live near Beaumont.

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Permalink Reply by LynnDear on January 25, 2009 at 12:56am

First, I want to tell you how sorry I am. And I know how difficult bootcamp is under the best of situations. I try to evaluate if telling a person news would change the outcome in any way. If it was a relative or friend that he was able to say goodbye to, or help change the outcome in anyway, then I would contact the red cross. If you told him now and he is distracted and does not pass bootcamp that would also be upsetting. If he is angry with you for not telling him, that would be upsetting. If he missed his friends funeral, and he probably will, that would be upsetting. This is a difficult situation and there is no way to avoid the hurt or grief. Sometime, knowing that you can't change the outcome, but acknowledging the hurt and letting your son know that you still stay by him and support him as he experiences the anger that unfair violence affected him.

I think that all recruits and parents should talk about this before they enter bootcamp. When my son went through bootcamp last year, I didn't even think of the possibility that his family or friends would get hurt. But I have read of unexpected deaths from other moms on NFM. If it is a parent's death or a grandparent that raised the recruit, the Blue Cross does notify the recruit.

I am sure that you will make the right decision because you know your son better than anyone. I will say prayers for you and him

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Permalink Reply by Sues on January 25, 2009 at 8:21am

I am so sorry this has happened. I am one of those moms who had a death of a family member while my son was at boot camp.

My son shipped out to boot camp on Nov. 13. On Dec. 5th my father was rushed to the hospital because his pacemaker/defibrillator kept going off. They stabilized him and sent him home. A few days later he was rushed to the hospital with excruciating pain in his legs. His arteries were blocked. The option was emergency surgery or he would face amputation of both legs just above the knee. He never really became completely lucid after the operation. It was becoming more and more clear that my father would not survive.

In the meantime we did not tell Joe. Because of the limited communication with recruits we did not have a good idea how Joe was adjusting. We didn't have any idea how he would handle this news. It wasn't like he could talk to my father to say goodbye. It was getting close to his PIR and we knew he had to face battle stations. We wanted him to be able to focus and graduate on time. My father would have wanted this too. We left for GL on Jan 2., got the phone call that my father passed away Jan 3 - the day Joe called to tell us he passed battle stations. Joe graduated Jan 4th and we told him that afternoon when he had him back at the hotel.

Joe was upset with us at first but the more he thought about it, he was ok with it. There was nothing he could have done and he would not have come home. We did discuss what we would do if a similar situation ever happened in the future and he told us he wants to be told. My middle son is a Marine Corps poolee. He leaves for boot camp on Aug. 17th. We have had the discussion on what to do if something happens like this and agreed that he would be told but will not come home.

I did a blog about this when I first joined urging new boot camp moms to have a discussion with their recruit about what they would do if something like this comes up. It's just something we never imagined would happen.

If given the opportunity to do it over again. I might have contacted the GL Chaplain to discuss it and get his thoughts. I am sure he has been through this many times over with hundreds of recruits and will have a good sense of how to help. If it is decided to tell your son, he will help your son through.

Again, I am so sorry.

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Permalink Reply by Hoppi aka Angie on January 25, 2009 at 9:37am

People have said the Chaplins will tell you how to handle this. That is not complete true, recommend you talk to your Chaplin and ask for advise. That Chaplin knows you and your son more than the base one does.

That is a family choice NOT a military choice. I would NOT recommned sending a AMCROSS message, odds are that is just going to piss him off as he will not be able to leave.

You are the one who will know better than anyone how he will handle this.

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Permalink Reply by Brenda Sue on January 25, 2009 at 9:43am

But if the family feels that the recruit NEEDS to be told now, I would think the chaplain should be the one to do it.
This would be a horrible decision to have to make - I hope our DEPper's moms see this and have this discussion with their boys before they leave as Sue S stated above.

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Permalink Reply by Sues on January 25, 2009 at 10:38am

I only suggested she might run it by the GL chaplain because I am sure he has dealt with this many times before, to get his thoughts and then make ,her own decision.

Speaking to her own chaplain is an excellent idea as well. Only the person(s) close to the situation can decide what is best for their family. Personally, I would not go through the Red Cross because the goal there would be to bring the recruit home and I would not recommend this.

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Permalink Reply by Hoppi aka Angie on January 25, 2009 at 11:32am

That is correct the Chaplain would be the one to tell them, but that is not always the case if the Chaplain is not available one of the RDC's may end up telling the recruit.

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Permalink Reply by Jackie on January 25, 2009 at 4:04pm

Renee, What ever way you choose to handle this, Please know that you have all of us behind you. It will not be an easy choice but I know that you will choose what is right for your son, My prayers are with you and your son and the family that lost this life to early. Big hugs to you.

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Permalink Reply by KathyZ on January 25, 2009 at 4:00pm

I am truly sorry for your loss.
Jacob is honoring his life and friendship with him through his journey....... His friend would want nothing less!

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Permalink Reply by Renee (Jacob's Mom) on January 25, 2009 at 4:03pm

Thanks for all of the great advice!!

Sue S, I did not see the blog post with the idea of talking to our Recruits about such a thing until after Jacob left for BC. I too hope other moms see this and talk about this very, very important thing.

As a pastor myself, I would hesitate in sending a Red Cross message to Jacob. Like you said, he cannot say goodbye, he cannot attend the funeral, he cannot do anything. Knowing that will just be hard on him.

But as a mom, I don't want him to be more upset than he is going to be when he gets the news. Like SueS said, I think Jacob will ultimately come to know we did what we thought was best.

I appreciate all of you - all of your wisdom & care. Thank you!!

Blessings, Renee

Oh, PS - Brenda, it actually happened in Philadelphia. He attended the Art Institute up there.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Gallagher on January 25, 2009 at 4:09pm

I am so sorry to hear about that, it is a hard thing to decide if you want to notify him or not. if you do he will be upset and may have a set back in a very very demanding thing called boot camp but if you dont tell him yes he will be upset with you for a min.

God will give you the wisdom to know what to do

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Permalink Reply by Chris A. on January 25, 2009 at 4:50pm

Don't tell him while he's in boot camp. WAIT...........sure he may be mad at you for not telling him right away but he'll be Sailor mad rather than Recruit mad. Better he should be mad at you later rather than sooner. Let him get through boot camp, let him get through PIR then take him back to your hotel and talk to him quietly. This will give him time to digest the info before he has to go back to base.

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