Letting Go

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Permalink Reply by Karin Hensel on December 5, 2008 at 1:34pm

I agree, we do our children no favors (all of them) when we cling, hover, over-involve ourselves in their lives, make decisions for them.
From an early age we raised our kids to think and make decision for themselves. That way, we were around to help them handle any consequences that might occur. They become much better at making choices consequently. Love them to death, every single one of the three. But I don't want to be over-involved. Our relationship is far healthier for it. Mom's do your kids a favor and let go and but stand ready to listen and provide good counsel when it is sought.

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Permalink Reply by Paula(Donovan's Mom) on December 5, 2008 at 5:22pm

Very well-said by everyone! My son has been in 5 years this January. I raised him to be an independent young man & he has learned how to be one very well. He's also still a "mama's boy" according to his younger sister! Because of the duty schedule, we don't call him. We wait for him to call. When he does, he usually says that we are never home. Well, like Shirlee said, my life (& his 4 sibs lives) didn't stop just because he enlisted. I think that when our kids leave home it's hard enough on us moms, but for some reason when they are going into the military it seems harder. Maybe because we know they don't have any real control of what they will be doing or where they will be... It is a difficult thing to let go of that urge to "mother" them, and to be involved in everything they do, but we don't do our kids any service by clinging and not letting them grow. They need to know that they CAN stand on their own, but that we are there to give them support when they need it.

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Permalink Reply by Lynn on December 5, 2008 at 5:57pm

Well said to all. Serveral months ago I posted a blog about my feelings on letting go. It is a process we all go though and for some it is a tough transition. It was for me. Not that I wanted to be hovering, or babying just that I was feeling not so needed by them anymore and I believe that is normal. Today I feel good, knowing that I have raised two wonderful adults and we are now becoming friends. They know that I will always be here to listen, and give advice when asked but as I said a few months ago I gave them wings and love and they are now out doing it on their own. Something that I raised them to do. So I guess that is my two cents. Lynn

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Permalink Reply by T's mom on December 5, 2008 at 7:59pm

Thank you so much for this advice.Mine has been in almost 3 years now.It was so hard at first.I will have 2 in the military soon.My 17 year old wants to join the marines after graduation.
My sailor is deployed and my family keep asking me,aren't you upset that hes in Iraq.Why aren't you crying.Aren't you worried.Of course I'm worried,but what good would I do him if when he calls I'm a crying mess.I told them that I have faith that he will be ok and stop asking me dumb questions lol.

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Permalink Reply by Karalyn on December 5, 2008 at 8:47pm

Well said.

I got to thinking a couple years ago about this job called "motherhood". It dawned on me that all we are doing is working ourselves out of a job. Our job is to take this helpless little infant and help it grow into a mature and independent adult. Once that is done, we are basically out of a job.

I was sad when my children left for the military, yet I was proud knowing that I was successful at my "job".

Let your pride overshadow your sorrow. Know that you did your job. Your child will always be your child, nothing can change that, but its time they stand on their own and show the world what a great job their Mom did.

Now is when the fun begins, and you can become their friend, rather than their mentor and mom.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy on December 5, 2008 at 10:07pm

You are an inspiration. My son enlisted in June at the age of 29. Of all the times and reasons that he left home before, his leaving for GL was the hardest leaving of all. I thought of my mother-in-law to help me get through. During Vietnam, her oldest two sons enlisted in the Navy, and her number 3 boy (my husband) enlisted in the Air Force. They all didn't serve simultaneously, but her two sailors did serve on the same ship for a time. I don't how she did it. My husband told me that he remembered hearing his mother crying alone in her bedroom, then coming out with no more tears and a calm demeanor for him and his younger brother. My mother-in-law was perhaps the strongest woman I've known. And, she was immensely proud of her boys.

My daughter is getting married next week - her fiance is in the Army and will be deployed to Iraq in January. They will both be home from their honeymoon to celebrate Christmas. And, my son will also be home for Christmas. Like you, I don't know the next Christmas that will find us all together. I, too, will cherish every moment.

Thank you for your advice. Abundant blessings to you this Christmas.

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Permalink Reply by Wanda J. on December 5, 2008 at 10:09pm

God Bless You and your 4 boys!!! Wishing you the best Holiday ever!!! What pride you must have!

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Permalink Reply by Becky on December 6, 2008 at 8:03am

AMEN!

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Permalink Reply by Cheryl HAMILTON on December 6, 2008 at 2:27pm

Shirlee , THat was so well said Thanks ! I am a new" empty nester" myself and I am trying to get reinvolved in some of my old hobbies again and I must say N4M was a God send!!! U ladies are the only ones who really know what this feels like. Bless all of U.

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Permalink Reply by Cynthia (#410) on December 6, 2008 at 6:20pm

Dear Shirlee, I had to lol when I read your post. My son, Steven, is the oldest of my two boys. My second son didn't come along until Steven was 10 so he was our only child for a long time. As such, I was very involved in his life. You know, at every baseball practice and game cheering him on eventually becoming the team mom; guiding him through the choices he needed to make about which classes to take in school; helping out whenever the JROTC needed, etc. I thought I was going to die while he was in boot camp. Was he alright? Was the RDC being mean or picking on my boy? Was he getting enough to eat? How was he handling the weather so far from home? etc etc etc (hee hee) I am a bit of a worrier by nature anyway and not being able to talk to him for 9 weeks was almost more than I could stand. Anyway, by the time he got to NNPTC in Charleston, I was full of questions and advice. Finally, one day, he told me - "Don't worry about it Mom. I'm in the Navy now. I can handle it." I was so bad that I finally contacted the CMC (several times) to find out how Steven was doing in class and such. The first thing he said to me, once I gave him a chance to talk, was "You've had a hard time letting go, haven't you?" Yes, it was that obvious. But I knew that the Navy was not going to let him get by with some of the stuff he tried pulling at home and I was worried about EVERYTHING. We are not a traveling family. We mostly drive wherever we need to go. I was really worried about him making his travel arrangements to get home at Christmas and also really worried about him getting to go to the Inauguration. He got his invitation just after signing up as a DEP recruit and I was (am) afraid that the Navy wouldn't let him go to such a prestigious event. I realized, after several phone conversations with the CMC, that they wanted STEVEN to find out for himself what he needed to do to make things in his life work out. They (CMC & others in charge) knew I could do it. I'm an adult with enough experience to at least know what questions to ask. Finally, I understood and backed off. Steven did get his paperwork together and all his travel plans made for both the Inauguration and Christmas. He will be coming home for Christmas. He even has a lay-over in Atlanta. Steven is a fine, healthy, happy, mature young man who now takes responsibility for his actions (or inactions) without trying to blame anyone else or cry "poor pitiful me" about stuff. And I am SO VERY PROUD of him. I never thought this would be such a learning experience for ME. I also have a new perspective on how my mom must have felt when I moved out on my own all those years ago. And, like you, I will savor every single moment we have with him and treasure the memories as if they were more precious than diamonds - because to me, they are. Anyway, thanks for the reminder but most of all, thanks for listening because I know that, as a Navy mom, you understand what I'm feeling. I know you will enjoy your holiday with your boys. I'm really happy for you that, at least this year, your home will be filled with love and laughter again.
Hugs from Houston,
Cindy

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Permalink Reply by Mary, Proud Mom of Nick on December 7, 2008 at 10:42am

Could not agree with you more Shirlee - so very excited for your holiday gathering this year, it will be such a celebration to have them all home at one time. Enjoy!!!

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Permalink Reply by Lynn "Derek's Mom" on December 7, 2008 at 12:56pm

Thank you for sharing this with us. I have only one son who is currently in the Reserves, but he just signed a conditional release because he wants to go active duty. He wants to do this for 3 reasons: he loves the way he feels when he is doing something good for his country and himself, he feels proud when he has his uniform on. 2nd: He has a baby on the way coming in June, and although things did not work out with the baby's mama, he wants to be the best father he can be and provide all the things he can for him/her. 3rd: He wants to start his life, go to school, and be somebody.

I've ached when he went to bootcamp. I was overjoyed when he came home, and now I have a certain sadness in my heart that he will be gone. He has such great love for me, and mentioned that I was the one reason why he had not wanted to go active duty. He remembered all the great times we've had like: curling up with blankets on the couch and watching movies all day. He said that it was the thought of not being with me that preventes him from going on. With a great ache, I told him that he would always me in his life, if not physically, always in his heart. He needed to do what would make him happy, and if that meant being full-time in the Navy then I would always support him and be here when he needed me. I will always travel to where he is at in the world no matter what.

Reading your post helped me to know that I can't cling to him or him to me forever. Although I will miss him terribly, I know that going active duty is something that he want's to do, and when he has his child he will have the best of himself as I will as well.

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