Letting Go

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Permalink Reply by Kathy on December 30, 2008 at 6:14am

Please don't apologize for your feelings. What you are feeling is natural, valid, and very real to you. My son is 29, so has been basically out of the house and on his own since he left for college after high school. He enlisted only six months ago, but has been home for Christmas (yippee!) and is returning to SD today. When I realized yesterday that I don't know when I'll see him again, I had to do my best to hide my tears - not because we were out in the public, but because he HATES to see me cry. All I want to do is hug him and hold onto him, but I know that only makes it harder on him. It always has. Think about how many times throughout your son's life that you had to put on the brave face even when you were dying on the inside. It's the same now, only magnified because you don't know what he'll be experiencing. Most of us moms don't have military experience. It's all a new world for us. Be proud that you've raised a son who is strong and able to make such a commitment. You've done a good job as a parent. Be gentle with yourself. You'll be amazed at how fine he will be!

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Permalink Reply by Lynn "Derek's Mom" on December 30, 2008 at 11:25am

Those are very natural feelings and trust me everyone has felt them. My son is in the Navy Reserves, but he just signed a conditional waiver because he wants to go active duty. It breaks my heart because he is my only son. I have no other children.

The thing that has helped me to deal is to know that he is growing up and he is making decisions based on his own future. I take pride in the fact that I have done a good job on my own with him. Now, my son is facing a new adventure in his life and I'm sad and happy all at the same time. The thing that I treasure is that my son still seeks my advice when needed. I'm learning that when he needs me he will call me, and that I'm still the most important in his life.

Be strong because it's that strength that he sees in you that will tell him his decision is okay with you. That strength will help him to deal with the hard demands of bootcamp. That strength in your letters that you will send everyday will be what will get him through the days ahead of him. The strength that you have will help him to grow and be strong.

Trust me you will cry and cry. We are all here for you, just write what you feel. We are your Navy family.

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Permalink Reply by Shirlee Howard on January 2, 2009 at 10:25am

It is ok for you to let him know that you are sad. It is a normal feeling. Also let him know how incredibly proud you are of him and his decision. Remember that you would probably feel the same way if he was going to college instead of the Navy. I am not going to sugar coat it for you, it is going to be very difficult. But, as each day passes, and you motivate yourself to keep going, it will get easier. There is a lot happening in your life right now, so take it easy. Concentrate on the new life that this change brings you. Keep in your mind that there are a lot of kids who don't have parents who will miss them when they go. Your son is very lucky.

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Permalink Reply by Gayle..Codi's Mom on December 30, 2008 at 5:08pm

I TAKE THEE CHILD
A PARENT'S VOWS


I TAKE THEE YOUNG ONE,
TO BE MY BELOVED CHILD

I TAKE THEE TO HAVE:
AS MY GOD GIVEN TRUST AND RESPONSIBILITY,
THIS MORTAL PARENTHOOD MY PROUD CALLING.

I TAKE THEE TO HOLD
CLOSE WHILE YOU ARE SMALL AND HELPLESS,
CLOSE AS YOU GROW
WHEN MY ARMS, EYES, EARS
MY HANDS, TONGUE AND HEART
CAN GIVE COMFORT,
BUT WITH PLIABLE HEART STRINGS,
NOT APRON STRINGS.

I TAKE THEE FOR BETTER
MY LIFE BETTER FOR YOUR BEING,
THE WORLD LOVLIER,
FOR PRIDE IN YOUR GROWTH,
FIRST STEPS, FIRST WORDS,
YOUR UNFOLDING TALENTS AND IDEAS,
FOR JOY, FOR FUN, FOR FRIEND AND COMPANION.

I TAKE THEE FOR WORSE:
WHENEVER NEED BE, NOT KNOWING NOW
ITS SHAPE.
IF IT TOUCH YOU AS SORE AFFLICTION
I SHALL SEEK GOD'S HELP TO LIGHTEN IT,
IF IT ENGULF US IN THE DARK OF DISPUTE
I SHALL RELIGHT OUR PATH WITH AFFECTION,
IF IT STRIKE AS CALAMITY OR DISGRACE
I SHALL NEVER FORSAKE YOU.

I TAKE THEE FOR RICHER:
RICHER NOW, I ENDOW THEE
WITH ALL MY WORLDLY GOODS.
WITH FOOD, CLOTHING AND SHELTER.
MORE: MY TIME, MY INNER SELF,
A GROWING PARENT.
WITH FAMILY AS YOUR RIGHTFUL INHERITANCE,
INTACT INSOFAR AS I CAN PRESERVE IT;
INVIOLABLE TIES WITH LOVED ONES,
PRIDE IN FOREBEARS, HUMBLE OR MIGHTY.
WITH HOME, WHERIN TO ENJOY
FAMILY AND FRIENDS
WHILE RETAINING RIGHTS
TO SOLITUDE.
WITH COUNTRY TO HONOR AND SERVE,
YOURS ITS RICH HERITAGE
AND POTENTIAL FUTURE.
WITH A WORLD OF GROWING HORIZONS
AND MULTITUDES AWAITING YOUR
PERSONAL OFFERING.
WITH MY RESPECT FOR YOUR
INDIVIDUALITY.
ENCOURAGEMENT TO DO FOR YOURSELF
WHAT YOU CAN DO,
FREE WILL TO CHOOSE ONE DAY
YOUR OWN LIFE'S WORK,
YOUR OWN LIFE'S PARTNER,
WHOM I SHALL WELCOME.
WITH LOYALTY, MYSELF YOUR STEADY
ADVOCATE.
WITH REVERENCE FOR OUR CREATOR,
SOURCE OF STRENGTH.

I TAKE THEE FOR POORER:
AND COUNT MYSELF NO MARTYR
IF I MUST SACRIFICE.
I DEDICATE MY WORK TO
YOUR OUTER NEEDS,
MY SHARED LEISURE TO YOUR
INNER YEARNINGS
SO YOU MAY LEARN THE DIGNITY
OF GIVING.

I TAKE THEE IN SICKNESS:
TO NURSE TENDERLY, GUARDING
YOUR PHYSICAL SAFETY
BY MY VIGILANCE, FORESIGHT
AND INSTRUCTION,
SPARING YOU NEGLECT ALWAYS,
SPARING YOU INJURY OF
HARSH PUNISHMENT.

I TAKE THEE IN HEALTH:
KNOWING HEALTH COMBINES SOUND
BODY, MIND AND SOUL.
I REGARD YOUR BODY AS
YOUR SPIRIT'S VESSEL,
TEACH YOU CLEANLINESS AND ZEST
FOR HEALTHFUL FOOD.
I DISSUADE SELF-INDULGENCE,
ENCOURAGE SELF- MASTERY
THROUGH BALANCED WORK, RECREATION
AND REPOSE.
I RESPECT LEARNING, PROVIDE ITS ATMOSPHERE
THAT YOU MAY SEEK AND EDUCATED MIND.
I FURTHER YOUR SKILLS,
ACCEPT YOUR LIMITATIONS, AND PUT NO
KINDRED CHILD BEFORE THEE...
OR AFTER.
I DISCIPLINE YOU SENSIBLY,
GUIDE YOU TO MORAL AND SOCIAL VALUES.
I ARM YOU AGAINST THE LURE OF FALSE BANNERS
BUT WELCOME THOSE WHO INSPIRE YOU
RIGHTFULLY.
I EXPLAIN LIFE'S PROCESSES AS SACRED
AND FOSTER THE HIGHEST ATTRIBUTES OF
YOUR SEX.
I STRIVE TO MODEL HEALTH'S DAILY THERAPY;
PRAISE FOR SUCCESS, SYMPATHY FOR FAILURE,
A CHEERFUL VOICE AND LAUGHTER WITHIN
A HAPPY HOME.
I OBSERVE ALL THINGS ABOUT YOU
AND KEEP THEM IN MY HEART...
AS COMPASS.

I TAKE THEE CHILD:
RESOLVING TO RENEW THESE VOWS DEVOUTLY,
REVIEWING MY OWN VALUES, LEST THEY DIM,
EXPRESSING SORROW WHEN I MISJUDGE YOU,
STARTING ANEW EACH TIME I FAIL.

IN LIEU OF A RING:
I PLEDGE YOU MY FIDELITY WITH A RING OF LOVE
TO ENCIRCLE US BOTH, WOVEN OF WORD AND DEED
AND THE SHINING THREAD OF SPIRIT.

By Dorothy Rose

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Permalink Reply by Cora-Brooklyns Mom on January 1, 2009 at 9:36pm

I wholehearedly agree with you Shirlee!! I hope you got lots of pictures with those boys of yours to hold and cherish!!

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Permalink Reply by Shirlee Howard on January 2, 2009 at 10:22am

UPDATE!
All four boys got home for Christmas despite the heavy snow fall and storms in the Pacific Northwest! It was overwhelming to have them all home at once. My second to youngest got married and the wedding was very emotional. The one thing that stood out to me is that all four of my boys and their friends in the Military all stuck together to help out with the festivities as much as they could! From set up to clean up they all pitched in! I was very appreciative of their hard work. I was treated like a queen by all of them and felt more respect and admiration than I ever have. As much as they change while in the service (especially the Marines) the respect for their Mother (and father too) is something you can't describe until you experience it. I am hoping to post some pics soon of all of them. Thank you all for your kind words. In the midst of every blessing I have had over the last couple of weeks, I continued to remember those who were unable to be home for Christmas. I pray for all of them every day. Happy New Year everyone!

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Permalink Reply by Cynthia Ramirez on January 4, 2009 at 1:01am

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am fairly new to being a Navy Mom. My first son & I have always lived in different states as he enlisted right out of high school & later got married and moved away. Of course it was hard but he married a wonderful young woman & she keeps me informed all the time & they blessed me with this beautiful granddaughter. The other my youngest enlisted in the reserves and has been stationed in our home town but he will be deployed in Oct. of this year. He is going with the Marines to Iraq. I have to be honest I have always been very close with him so this is very hard for me. I am just thankful that as you said I feel that I have given him all my support and told him that he can accomplish anything. Now he is a Hospital Corpsman and will be there to help save some of the lives of our young men & women. He is a very special young man & here in the states he works as a lab technician for the Children's Hospital. I can say that all of my children have grown to be very caring & giving as adults.

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Permalink Reply by DawnRae on January 6, 2009 at 8:35pm

Thank You Shirley for this post! I have been trying to put my emotions into words, you did a wonderful job of that! My heart is breaking.... she has been gone 6 months, first to boot then a and c schools and after a 3 week leave @ home she will be heading to Italy next week. She is my oldest I have 4 more still @ home. she has always been strong and independant, I love that about her. But when she packed her bags to go I felt like the world would stop spinning. How could 18 years have gone so fast, things will never be the same and on and on. She is loving what she is doing. I am extremley proud of her. Wise counsel.

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Permalink Reply by Liese Ripley on January 7, 2009 at 10:25pm

I saw a young mom wearing a marines sweatshirt that said "Pain is weakness leaving the body." I have felt such deep pain when seeing my grown sons leave for distant countries (we lived in Africa; they came back to the US...every time they visited and left again it was painful!). I have been very surprised at the depth of feeling I have had (crying and depression for a week after their departure) and glad, deep down, that I now know how much I love them. In that sense, the pain of losing them has made our relationship stronger and my love more certain.
Now our eldest is heading for boot camp, and I imagine I will go through this visceral, can't-help-it feeling of devastation and loss as he heads out...and I pray that I will be thankful for the truth beneath it that a bond of deep mom-love is intact and strong!

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Permalink Reply by Shirlee Howard on January 9, 2009 at 12:16am

There is truth to that saying you saw. Pain makes us stronger. I suggest that you find someone face to face that is going through the same thing you are and give them a hug. There is strength and comfort in standing together through all of this. Keep your chin up. Remember that they are where they are because they chose it and because they are strong young people who want to do something important. There are a lot of parents who can't say that about their kids.

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Permalink Reply by BethB on January 9, 2009 at 8:49am

Thank you so much for all of your comments. My son is leaving in 10 days and it is traumatic. I'm already a basket case about him leaving home. Not only is he the first child to leave, he's going into an environment that is not one I'm so crazy about. My brother is a retired officer, and I have seen how the military becomes the family, and the rest of us are pretty much an afterthought. Reality bites. My son will definitely mature even more as a member of the service, but he had a pretty rough time as a kid. He and I were the ones who suffered the most from his dad's abuse, even after the divorce, and we've pretty much had to count on each other for a long time to keep each other safe. So forgive me if I have a hard time letting an incompetant government (no matter the political party of the Commander in Chief) try to protect him now. I am terribly proud that he is taking control of his life and moving forward in this choice. He will do well because he is a non-judgemental and forgiving young man. This has been the most motivated I have ever seen him, and I'm excited for his future, especially in this economic environment. Yes, I'm ready to let him go and grow up. I know that there will be a lot of hard learned lessons, some good, some bad, and that he has the moral character to come out of this as an even stronger and better person, if that is even possible - he's such a remarkable young man as it is. The greatest thing that my parents ever did for me was to give me the ability to stand on my own two feet. And that's what I have tried to pass along to my kids. I hope that as he progresses through this time in his life, the people he is serving beside bless him and are blessed by him with not having to stand alone. All of us moms here are in my thoughts and prayers. The quality of our children in the military are what makes it great. This world is a messed up place, and the goodness and generosity of their hearts is the hope of the making it a little less of a mess.

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Permalink Reply by Shirlee Howard on January 9, 2009 at 11:50am

With all four boys in the military I have experienced the exact opposite. We have become more of a family since they joined than we ever have been.

Keep you chin up. All will be ok.

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