The Emotional Roller Coaster of Boot Camp Loved Ones
This was posted by Susan H(Div. 942 PIR 9/3) on the wall....I thought it was something that everyone that has had or will have a loved one leave should read!
I hope this is not considered "off topic" for the DEPPERs page, but it's something that I wish I'd known before sending my DEPPER to Boot Camp. I'm talking about "The Emotional Roller Coaster of Boot Camp Loved Ones." (I know, this will never be on the NY Times best-seller list - the title is way too long! LOL
The first emotion that surprised me was the relief of finally getting my recruit started on her Boot Camp adventure. I felt a little guilty at this relief until I figured out that this was something she had worked for nine months to accomplish. Of course I felt relieved! She had achieved the first benchmark of her journey.
Next came the sadness and frustration at the realization that I couldn't contact her at will. My daughter was 17 and had just barely graduated from high school. She hadn't ever been away from me for more that a week at a time and all those times she'd had a cell phone. This, combined with my fear of the unknown (is she getting enough sleep? does she like the food? how is she handling the yelling?) and I was soon a mess.
The next emotional stage that set in was grief. Yes, grief. I lost my mother 5 years ago and I can tell you my sadness and depression at "losing" my daughter to Boot Camp felt exactly the same. During this stage - probably the first 2 weeks - I cried at the most random things. Seeing her book still sitting on the end table, smelling her hair product when I put her folded laundry in her room, being asked at church how she was doing. My heart was so heavy at times that it was hard to breathe. This period was punctuated with two letters and "the kid in a box." God must have known that I needed these things to make it through with my sanity intact. At times my husband seriously thought that I had lost it. Friends and family suggested that I should find things to do to get my mind off of my daughter. So I put on a good face and went along with their plans, but my heart wasn't in it. One thing that made me feel better was the time I spent weeding and cultivating my little vegetable garden. The other thing that helped was a nearly 24 hour N4Ms IV. :o) I did a lot of "lurking" in my groups and tried to connect with loved ones who had recruits in the same PIR group as my daughter.
After that I finally made it to the emotional roller coaster stage of Boot Camp. As weekly letters kept arriving, I began to understand that my daughter was doing just fine without me. A phone call at the end of the 3rd week of her absence was another Godsend and I was riding on top. It was so wonderful to hear her voice and to ask her those crazy "mom" questions: Do you have any friends? Are the RDCs fair? How are you handling the PT? In subsequent weeks I could knew the day of the week that her letters arrived and practically stalked our poor letter carrier. One week when her letter didn't show up until Saturday (all mangled) I was nearly back to square one.
Finally, the stage I'm in now is the "home stretch" stage. The emotions are a mixture of anticipation, doubts, wonder and excitement. I'm trying to anticipate how it will feel to see her and hug her and hear her voice. I'm unfortunately having some doubts that she'll make it to her original PIR date because of some health problems she's having (it's a long story). I'm in wonder of this person who is writing home about how much she loves clean windows and the relief she felt when she was able to get back to running with her division (huh? who stole my daughter?) Finally, I'm allowing myself to get excited to go back to Great Lakes and celebrate her accomplishment.
I know this is a long post and I'm not claiming that you will all feel the same way I have. Each person's journey through the Boot Camp experience is unique. I hope that I have helped you to understand that the highs and lows of the Boot Camp roller coaster can be survived. As my 82-year-old father says, "Sometimes mere survival is an accomplishment!"
I hope this is not considered "off topic" for the DEPPERs page, but it's something that I wish I'd known before sending my DEPPER to Boot Camp. I'm talking about "The Emotional Roller Coaster of Boot Camp Loved Ones." (I know, this will never be on the NY Times best-seller list - the title is way too long! LOL
The first emotion that surprised me was the relief of finally getting my recruit started on her Boot Camp adventure. I felt a little guilty at this relief until I figured out that this was something she had worked for nine months to accomplish. Of course I felt relieved! She had achieved the first benchmark of her journey.
Next came the sadness and frustration at the realization that I couldn't contact her at will. My daughter was 17 and had just barely graduated from high school. She hadn't ever been away from me for more that a week at a time and all those times she'd had a cell phone. This, combined with my fear of the unknown (is she getting enough sleep? does she like the food? how is she handling the yelling?) and I was soon a mess.
The next emotional stage that set in was grief. Yes, grief. I lost my mother 5 years ago and I can tell you my sadness and depression at "losing" my daughter to Boot Camp felt exactly the same. During this stage - probably the first 2 weeks - I cried at the most random things. Seeing her book still sitting on the end table, smelling her hair product when I put her folded laundry in her room, being asked at church how she was doing. My heart was so heavy at times that it was hard to breathe. This period was punctuated with two letters and "the kid in a box." God must have known that I needed these things to make it through with my sanity intact. At times my husband seriously thought that I had lost it. Friends and family suggested that I should find things to do to get my mind off of my daughter. So I put on a good face and went along with their plans, but my heart wasn't in it. One thing that made me feel better was the time I spent weeding and cultivating my little vegetable garden. The other thing that helped was a nearly 24 hour N4Ms IV. :o) I did a lot of "lurking" in my groups and tried to connect with loved ones who had recruits in the same PIR group as my daughter.
After that I finally made it to the emotional roller coaster stage of Boot Camp. As weekly letters kept arriving, I began to understand that my daughter was doing just fine without me. A phone call at the end of the 3rd week of her absence was another Godsend and I was riding on top. It was so wonderful to hear her voice and to ask her those crazy "mom" questions: Do you have any friends? Are the RDCs fair? How are you handling the PT? In subsequent weeks I could knew the day of the week that her letters arrived and practically stalked our poor letter carrier. One week when her letter didn't show up until Saturday (all mangled) I was nearly back to square one.
Finally, the stage I'm in now is the "home stretch" stage. The emotions are a mixture of anticipation, doubts, wonder and excitement. I'm trying to anticipate how it will feel to see her and hug her and hear her voice. I'm unfortunately having some doubts that she'll make it to her original PIR date because of some health problems she's having (it's a long story). I'm in wonder of this person who is writing home about how much she loves clean windows and the relief she felt when she was able to get back to running with her division (huh? who stole my daughter?) Finally, I'm allowing myself to get excited to go back to Great Lakes and celebrate her accomplishment.
I know this is a long post and I'm not claiming that you will all feel the same way I have. Each person's journey through the Boot Camp experience is unique. I hope that I have helped you to understand that the highs and lows of the Boot Camp roller coaster can be survived. As my 82-year-old father says, "Sometimes mere survival is an accomplishment!"
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by debbie on -
I was wondering if anyone was feeling the exact same way I am right now. My son is being picked up today for bootcamp and I am a mess, everything makes me cry, good and bad, My husband just got a good job after being laid off for four months and before I was excited to decorate the house. Now I want everything to stay the same and not change anything. I really did feel like there is a death in the family. He hasn't been picked up and I really wish I could put on a happy face because I know this is what he really wants to do but just making a grocery list and realizing that we don't need to buy as much milk or shop for his favorite foods makes me burst into tears. I was thinking I was going crazy. How do you get thru this? I took the day off work and am wondering how do I go back to work and not start crying? I'm thinking you actually did better than me because my son hasn't even left yet.
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on -
dbarber, many Moms feel like you just prior to sending their Recruits off to BC, you have come to the right place to express your "grief", vent and get encouragement and understanding from those who have been there and absolutely "get it". I promise, soon you'll be paying it forward and helping another newbie just beginning the Roller Coaster ride! Just yesterday, I got a similar question from a Mom of a Spec Opps candidate preparing herself to say goodbye to her son, knowing she'll have to deal with not just the 8 weeks until PIR, but-because of his further training schedule- possibly months before he can come home for a visit. I'll edit and adapt my answer here. Hope it helps encourage you and others who follow. Big ((HUGS)) to you, God Bless and best wishes to your son! :-)
"Having a meltdown here, how do we cope?~ Am on the verge of "X" leaving for BC... am having a very difficult time that no one else understands???????"
Later: “I feel SO ALONE!” and “As I sit here hysterical, and wonder WHY, why can't anyone in my peer group understand what the heck I am feeling???!!!!” and finally: “Please forgive me NAVY MOMS.. I hope I am not the worst!”
Here was my reply:
I do not believe you are the "worst" Navy Mom ever LOL Many before you have had meltdowns, to varying degrees, before, during and after their Recruits departure and many more will after you. Then you will pay it forward, reach back and help them! :) First off, cut your non military friends/family some slack dear, they simply just don't get (this emotional Roller Coaster) like the Moms and other loved ones here onsite do. They can't, unless they have walked this journey as a Navy parent, the best they can do maybe is sympathize. That's different from empathy. Some, albeit well meaning, will make comments like "let him go, cut the apron strings" or "it's no different than sending them off to college" (just love that one! Um, no sorry, WRONG! You can call and even go see your child anytime you want!), or "it's only 8 weeks, he hasn't died!" They don't understand the huge hole in your heart, the emptiness and that it just might be a long time before your "child", your soon to be all grown up Sailor, walks through the door safely home again. It's also a HUGE transition and life change for you both. Some of us-and them- are more ready for that then others and that's o.k. We're here to help you through it, while others around you may be telling you just to “Get over it” and move on!
He will leave as the child you raised, your little boy and you will find an amazing young man, a polished, confident SAILOR (with really good posture!) standing before you on PIR day! That's the order of things, but for some Moms, this time does feel like a grieving period! Sometimes it’s compounded by other life circumstances and changes(Loss of a parent, job, marriage, last child out of the house, others moving too etc.) sometimes there's no explanation, it's just suddenly intense. Acknowledge the feelings, but try not to let them consume you and send you into despair. Reach out here like you have. Have your moments when you need to, they will come and go; the strangest and most unexpected things will suddenly set you off. Jump in the shower and cry your eyes out if needed, then collapse in bed. Try some melatonin for a good night's sleep. Be good to yourself, you need to stay healthy for him, you have a graduation to attend! Journal your feelings and journey with him. Stay busy in, and out, of the house, write him LOTS of letters-every day isn't too much!
Try to avoid being completely hysterical and/or super depressed in front of him. He knows you are sad at the thought of him leaving. He also needs to know most now that you are so very proud of him and will be alright while he is gone and with whatever lies ahead for him. You don't want him distracted at BC (or beyond while training/serving) worrying about his Mom! As he learns and grows strong , so will you, with the help of all your N4M friends. :-) Plan to take the day he leaves off, or a couple days if you need, but then square your shoulders and decide it's your turn now. You did a great job raising a quality human being, the Navy saw that, now he's going to work hard to achieve his dreams with the tools and character you and his Maker have provided him. You'll be there sooner than you realize to celebrate the completion of the first phase with him! =) Hang in there! You are definitely NOT alone!!! Big ((((((HUGGGSSS)))))
p.s. She was doing surprisingly well today with the process, MEPS, the final swearing in, etc. She's connected with other Moms who have Recruits leaving in the same time frame and may even end up having the same PIR and training after. Be sure to join the Boot Camp Moms Group after your Recruit leaves!
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Permalink Reply by Lisa A on -
Thank you so very much for all the encouraging words, It really helps to know that I'm not going through all these crazy feelings alone.. My Husband was in the CG. for 22 years. I thought it would be a piece of cake when My oldest son joined the Navy. He leaves for BC in NOV. I have been an emotional wreck this month and he has not even left .. I'm so glad to have a place where we can talk to other people in the same boat..
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on
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Glad this site is helping Lisa! Just try not to "Miss 'em while you're with him", i.e. don't rob him of special times and good memories with his family now. Don't let him leave feeling guilty because his Mom is struggling. Try to be strong, steady and encouraging in front of him, the proud Navy Mom to be that you are, then come here and pour your heart out. We'll have the tissues ready. :) You are NOT the first former, seasoned military wife that I've seen post that it was harder to send their child off! Your husband didn't come with an umbilical cord attached and you knew what you were signing on for from the get go! :-) Be sure to join our "Leavin' for Boot Camp in November Group", you'll find the link in the main DEPper discussions.
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Permalink Reply by Awsome's Mom on
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Hi Debbie,
My name is Sue. My son is a depper and won't be leaving untill 6/22/10. I am already going thru all the emotions you have mentioned in you're post, even the grocery list !
He wants this more then anything, and I know it's the best for him, however, I am a total wreck ! Just thinking of not knowing is just so freightening to me. The fact that he is only 19 and is also a SEAL recruit does not help either...talk about scared to death !
Did it get any easier after boot camp?
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on
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Hi Sue, hope you don't mind my replying, but it appears that Debbie did not stay onsite long after her Sept. post above. It's a shame when a loved one has this awesome resource and a wonderful chance to get connected and be supported, but doesn't take advantage, or fades away after BC is over. When your son joins and ships out, you will find yourself part of a new (N4Ms and Navy) extended family. (Especially within the SEAL community later) It's up to you how plugged in you want to be, but many here will tell you from experiance, that it's better not to go it alone and that knowledge helps to dispel fear. The more you hang around, reading and interacting here and begin to get a handle on the journey, the better off you and your Recruit/future Sailor will be. Even after they have their cells and laptops back, you will still find that you will have need of the friends here who really "get it" (when others think you are "crazy" or overreacting") and will be here for both of you every step of the way. The good news now is, you are NORMAL! :)
Everything you are going though has been felt and experienced by many others onsite. The trick is to find a way to not let it paralyze you, or to let it steal happiness from the time you still have with him, to dig down and find ways to support him, to (have a good cry in the shower, then) pull up your "big girl panties" when he needs to see a proud smile on your face and hear the encouragement in your voice. :) That is the process of becoming a military Mom, learning how to deal with the strange contrasting mixes of pride and fear, joy and sorrow, expectation and dread. :-)
So, does it get easier...well, in some ways, yes. You are back in contact after BC, you are past the newbie transitions, more knowledgeable about the whole process and (after attending PIR-graduation) will probably be more confident that this is the right choice for your son. On the other hand, especially with the particular path he has chosen, the Roller Coaster ride continues and the twists, turns, ups and down can be even bigger and sometimes even more stressful. But you will be ready and will have plenty of mentors and friends to accompany and advise you. I'll pop a note on your page later with more specifics about all that. I'm walking that road right ahead of you. Sounds like you have a great son to be quite proud of. I'm sure he'll be ready and do great, and so will you Mom! Keep in touch, do join our "DEP-Leaving in June" DEPper sub Group and God Bless. =)
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on
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Sue-Here's the link to that Group: http://www.navyformoms.com/group/leavinforbootcampinjune
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Permalink Reply by Awsome's Mom on
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Thank you Angie, I sat here reading you're response and began to finally understand how I need to begin to TRY seperating my emotions.
Though my pride in "seal-boy" shines thru every day, and he is totally aware, I will remember to keep the tears " in the shower " from now on. That is awesome advice !
May God Bless you and yours...
Yes, please, I would love to here more about the boot camp experience and what to expect. Thank you so much for you're support and kindness.
~Sue~ in Fl.
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on
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Hey Sue, just wanted to clarify, that my advise was strictly as applies to not making your son too sad or worried about you and his leaving. Please don't ever feel you have to stuff your emotions otherwise. It's ok to let the world know you miss your son and that on a particularly hard day, you need a hug (or several) and room to bawl your eyes out, anywhere!
You may find however, as my older post above points out, that non military folks just don't "get it" and may say you are overreacting, or need to cut the apron stings etc. That's when you will be so grateful to have this site and the friends you have made and will make here. They will listen, understand, support and hand you the tissues when you are in full "meltdown" mode! :)
Keep enjoying your time with him, savor the small moments and little things, be melancholy, then be merry. We will talk soon about what's to come. I'm just sending my son through and will have more from personal experiance to share with you before June. God Bless!
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Permalink Reply by Ben's mom Michelle on
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All so true. Thank you so much for these posts. I agree, unless you've had a child leave or planning to leave for the Navy (or military), you can't understand. In all but one day everything changes, our "kids" are in the center of our lives for so long, and suddenly they are leaving with no promise that we will see or hear from them other that quick snatches at a time FOR YEARS! No one gets that unless they have been or are going through it. However good the eventual outcome is, it is a hard thing for any parent to go through. Thank goodness for N4M and all of your support.
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Permalink Reply by ProudMomofTwoSailors on -
Ladies, my youngest son just graduated from boot camp on 9/11/09 and my oldest son is a depper with a BC date of March 15, 2010. I would like to agree with everything already said about the roller coaster ride-however, I didn't see anyone mention the PRIDE I felt when my son walked (I was the one running!) up to me after PIR. He was a MAN-I sent a boy to Great Lakes and there was a MAN standing there! I don't fully understand HOW the Navy does it-but they certaining know what they are doing. There will be moments when you just KNOW that this was a huge mistake, letting him or her join up but then when you attend PIR all the emotions of BC go away. It is alot like when you gave birth to these wonderful children of ours-it hurt like heck when it happened and when you see that bundle of joy the memory of the pain goes away. It is a wonderful-yet gut wrenching, happy-yet scary, confusing-yet comforting to have the other moms on N4M voyage we will all be going through soon. Whatever you need from me, just ask.
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Permalink Reply by Angie F.- WA: HM / Pre Buds mom on
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VERY well said Ruth Ann. Great analogy and it's all so true. May need permission to copy, paste and share your post with future newbies elsewhere on site! :-) Glad it was such a positive experience in the end for both you AND your Sailor MAN. Congrats and all the best as you start round two! =)
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