Every mom deals with it differently
When I joined N4M (just before my son left for boot camp in Dec. 2009) I kept hearing complaints from moms who were told by friends and co-workers "Why so upset, it's just like sending them off to college."
Hmmm, I thought. I couldn't imagine being terribly upset. Yes, I sent my son off to college the year before, and I couldn't see any difference myself, and I told the moms that.
Six months later I got a message from one of the moms who was part of that conversation asking if I still felt the same way.
I had to answer "yes."
He wasn't here. Okay. No problem. He wasn't here in college, either. The only difference was in college I wasn't forced to hand-write letters. I had more communications from Chris in boot camp than I ever got when he was in college. If anything, boot camp was easier because I knew he was being monitored, under control, and not out doing something stupid like skipping class or playing video games all night before an exam. I could relax because he was in good hands.
Do I love him? Of course! Do I miss him? Not really. He calls home, a lot. Again, more than he did when he was in college. And I know he's safer than he was in college. We used to live on a college campus, I know what goes on there. The Navy is a LOT safer, and more conducive to helping a young man mature and grow.
Mostly I'm curious about his adventures, about how the Navy has changed since I was in 20 years ago. I want to know as much as I can, as much
as OPSEC allows.Soon he will be going to sea. He's headed for Japan, and I'll only see him once a year. That's not bad. My husband sees his parents about once a decade, and its been that way since he was in the Navy.
Chris is coming home for leave next month before he goes to Japan. While I look forward to his visit, I also dread it, because, like all long visits from relatives, it's a change in my routine. It's exhausting having someone in the house who is not part of the routine. We no longer have a bedroom for him, he has to sleep in the living room on the couch, and we've moved since he left us, he has no friends here. So he will be home all the time. But I won't be there much. I work strange, long hours.
Parents complain that their kids come home, then disappear. I wish Chris had friends here, peers he could share his experience with, to show off his uniforms and brag to how awesome he is with a pistol, and be the "toast of the town" while he visits. But there will be no parties, no hanging out. Just laying around at home, reading and probably a lot of sleeping.
It will be a relief when he leaves for Japan. It's not that I want to get rid of him, or don't love him. He's an adult now. I didn't raise him to be a momma's boy, to hang around home forever. If he did, I feel I would have failed at my job as a parent. I raised him to be an independent adult, to go out into the world and find his way. I supported him in his transition from young adulthood while he tried college, passed through boot camp, struggled in A school. Now its time to cut what threads remain on my apron strings. It's up to him now. All I ask for is some basic updates once in a while.
Now I await the chance for his younger brother to fly, too. And soon, I hope.
Hmmm, I thought. I couldn't imagine being terribly upset. Yes, I sent my son off to college the year before, and I couldn't see any difference myself, and I told the moms that.
Six months later I got a message from one of the moms who was part of that conversation asking if I still felt the same way.
I had to answer "yes."
He wasn't here. Okay. No problem. He wasn't here in college, either. The only difference was in college I wasn't forced to hand-write letters. I had more communications from Chris in boot camp than I ever got when he was in college. If anything, boot camp was easier because I knew he was being monitored, under control, and not out doing something stupid like skipping class or playing video games all night before an exam. I could relax because he was in good hands.
Do I love him? Of course! Do I miss him? Not really. He calls home, a lot. Again, more than he did when he was in college. And I know he's safer than he was in college. We used to live on a college campus, I know what goes on there. The Navy is a LOT safer, and more conducive to helping a young man mature and grow.
Mostly I'm curious about his adventures, about how the Navy has changed since I was in 20 years ago. I want to know as much as I can, as much
as OPSEC allows.Soon he will be going to sea. He's headed for Japan, and I'll only see him once a year. That's not bad. My husband sees his parents about once a decade, and its been that way since he was in the Navy.
Chris is coming home for leave next month before he goes to Japan. While I look forward to his visit, I also dread it, because, like all long visits from relatives, it's a change in my routine. It's exhausting having someone in the house who is not part of the routine. We no longer have a bedroom for him, he has to sleep in the living room on the couch, and we've moved since he left us, he has no friends here. So he will be home all the time. But I won't be there much. I work strange, long hours.
Parents complain that their kids come home, then disappear. I wish Chris had friends here, peers he could share his experience with, to show off his uniforms and brag to how awesome he is with a pistol, and be the "toast of the town" while he visits. But there will be no parties, no hanging out. Just laying around at home, reading and probably a lot of sleeping.
It will be a relief when he leaves for Japan. It's not that I want to get rid of him, or don't love him. He's an adult now. I didn't raise him to be a momma's boy, to hang around home forever. If he did, I feel I would have failed at my job as a parent. I raised him to be an independent adult, to go out into the world and find his way. I supported him in his transition from young adulthood while he tried college, passed through boot camp, struggled in A school. Now its time to cut what threads remain on my apron strings. It's up to him now. All I ask for is some basic updates once in a while.
Now I await the chance for his younger brother to fly, too. And soon, I hope.
Views: 20
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Comment by Kalena on July 30, 2010 at 7:35am -
I felt much the same way when my daughter left for boot camp. She also celebrated her 21st birthday in the safety of Great Lakes. I enjoyed that as much as those parents that talk about their child being deployed in the middle of the ocean for their 21st birthday as well. She survived 2 yrs in Guam, and now is stationed much closer to home. Six to seven hour drive but still much closer. You are right about when they come home and it is so very nice when they leave again. Good Luck to your son in Japan and I believe you will hear from him more often than you think, dispite the difference in time.
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Comment by BunkerQB on July 30, 2010 at 12:38pm -
We all respond differently to different situations. Some people are more emotional by nature. Some people are more "matter-of-fact" by nature. There is a place and a group (site) for everyone. At the beginning, many are understandably more emotional. Most get the hang of being a part of the Navy community. A times I am more sympathetic than at others - depending on what is going on with the rest of my life and how often I have been "sympathetic" most recently. When I am in one of those states, I try not to comment to a blog or forum discussion that is from a overwhelmed, over-the-top emotional newbie. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. There are others here who would be a more appropriate person (at that time) to guide her gently. I take a break from being the "strong one" and concentrate on doing something just for me.
Have a great weekend.
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Comment by Eaglemom on July 30, 2010 at 12:45pm -
The important thing to remember is that different people deal with the same situation in different ways. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way; there is nothing wrong with feeling that the task of raising offspring is completed and needing home to be one's own again. Neither is it wrong for other moms to feel sad; there is nothing wrong with thoroughly enjoying one's offspring and wanting to be around them all the time. You are not being "heartless" and neither are they being "clingy". It is a blessing that you handle the departure of your children with equanimity because you can, in turn, bless other moms and give hope to those who are having difficulty.
All are PROUD of their sailors and all run the risk of never seeing them again. This is both our equalizer and our common bond. The important thing is that we all respect the differences and that we have neither an attitude of "how heartless" nor "how ridiculous," but an attitude of Love and Respect for one another.
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Comment by Jennifer on July 30, 2010 at 3:19pm -
The difference is, they totally grow up, you lose control of all decisions and communications, they totally move out ,and you don't know when you will see them again-not so with college.
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Comment by Arwen on July 30, 2010 at 5:04pm -
I'm not sure how you have any control over communications and decisions for students in college. Once my son was gone to college (which happened only two weeks after he graduated from high school), that was the end of my control over him. Maybe it was because we weren't contributing to paying for college (he was totally on his own), and he did not maintain a place at home (no coming home for summer - we moved as soon as he left). But he was just as "gone" in college as he is in the Navy.
My experience is different from other moms, which is why I titled this "every mom deals with it differently." None of us are coming from exactly the same background, we are personally different, and our kids are different.
I'm just saying, it's as unfair to say "it's just like college" as it is to say "it's nothing like college." For some moms, it is "just like college" and just as easy to let go.
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Comment by TexasMomof2 on July 30, 2010 at 5:54pm -
You know, I was just thinking...........not only do Moms each deal differently with the situation, but, a Mom can also deal with each situation differently when you have more than one. I have 2 sons in the Navy and they are both unique in their lives, personalities, how they experience things, etc. and this causes me to have my own unique experiences with each of them. Neither one of them are the same. Which is the exact same situation with what this blog is about......this blog made me look at this. Did that make sense, LOL! Kinda hard for me to word after I've been dealing with a screaming mimi puppy all day----my brain is not quite working properly.
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Comment by Jennifer on July 30, 2010 at 6:55pm
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It is also fear of the unknown. Many of the moms know nothing about the military. I felt much better about my son's decision to join the navy after I found information on this site and others.Usually a college student is financially dependent on his or her parent and that is why the parent has some say.
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Comment by Brenda Kay on July 30, 2010 at 9:13pm -
Not a day goes by that i dont miss my son terribly.. Am I proud of him? you bet I am. Am I glad hes gone and would I be happy seeing him once a yr.. NO WAY.. Just goes to show we are all different.
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Comment by carolinagurl on July 30, 2010 at 9:25pm -
Amen BK !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel the same way !! I LOVE my Son.just sayin' !!!
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Comment by BunkerQB on July 30, 2010 at 9:37pm
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Hi BK & Cgurl. When one of my sons has been home for awhile, I am not happy to see them go but I am happy to have my house back. As soon as they leave, the house is incredibly quiet and I count the days when they will be home again. I need a cottage on my property, then they can have their own separate area when they come home. In fact, two cottages would be great. I guess I playing the lottery this weekend. ROFLMAO.
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