I thought I was doing great. I wasn't crying, or whining about my son being gone. Today I realized I needed to change what I was doing though. I was writing to him every day, thinking of him constantly, and had retreated into my house. Waiting in the silence. Waiting for the box, or letters. Today I got up at 8:30, and did little things around the house. By 10:30 I took a nap. I wasn't especially sleepy, just tired. I realized at noon, that this was not good. I cannot retreat into silent waiting. I cannot retreat from the world. I miss my son, but retreat will not bring him home. He has a new journey, and now so do I.
My oldest son is at home; however, he is only home several hours a day. He works full time, is in college preparing to become a minister, and is engaged. I am looking at the empty nest, and need to change accordingly. Years ago I struggled with how to become a mother of children in school instead of a stay at home mom with babies. Over time I went back to school to become a special ed teacher, since we discovered my oldest was dyslexic. Now I find that I must face the change that I have heard other mothers discuss. That empty nest.
Summer was my favorite time with my sons as my children grew up: daily pool trips, playing outside, gardening, trips to the park. Now it is different, and I must do it alone. So I contacted my friends and committed to going to an exercise class this afternoon, and attending my Sunday School Girl's Night Out this evening. I will need to schedule an activity with others daily, and set a goal to complete daily at home.
After we have set aside the traveling money for the trip to the Great Lakes, I am going to set aside some money to start taking Japanese embroidery lessons again in the fall. The trip to the Great Lakes has highest priority. Since my husband just started working after a year being out of work, we are working that first.
I have found I must speak my goals aloud or I can pretend they are not real. My son is working hard to become the man he will be as a sailor. I owe it to him, and to myself to work hard to become the woman I can be, instead of retreating. Next time I see my son, he will have changed. I have seen it in the sons and daughters of my friends. They come back more confident. Now it is my turn as well. I am not a mother of school age children, but young men. It is my turn to step up, and face the journey, one goal at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time. And today I begin...