I need quick advice Moms!!!

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Permalink Reply by Anne (Bobby's mom) on November 4, 2008 at 5:10pm

Susan,
I was in some of the same type of situation this time last year. My son called his dad first to let
know know that he was going to be a dad and that he was going to be bringing her home for
the holidays. He was only 19 at the time and had only been in a little over 8 months. Had not
even finished A school and still had C school left. He called me before he was due to come
home and asked me not to dislike the girl since this was not all her fault. They were married
this past Feb and it has been up and down. The bad thing is that they are 9 hours away and
he is on his first deployment. Just let him know that you love him.

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Permalink Reply by Connie in Alaska on November 4, 2008 at 5:39pm

My daughter shocked the heck out of me by trying to get married before she left for boot camp. Her boyfriend is in the Army and was leaving for Iraq. She's only 19 and I nearly had heart failure. Luckily she talked to me before she went ahead and signed the papers, etc. What I did is talk to her about what a serious decision this was and asked her to consider having a long engagement until he's back from Iraq, etc. I talked to her about the fact they may both be different people by the time they are finished with this military service and that I wasn't saying she couldn't get married, she was over 18, BUT...the best advice I could give her as a mom was just to get engaged. I know that they look at the pay rationale and think more money. Plus, the fact that he's asking you instead of telling you means he probably has some doubts himself and is wanting you to make him look at things rationally. I'm a heck of a lot happier about a long engagement than I would have been about a fast marriage at such a young age. And as I told her, if it's truly love and he's truly "the one," it will still be there after and we can have a great family celebration. Connie

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Permalink Reply by Shelley on November 4, 2008 at 8:51pm

Hi Susan,
My situation is also similar to yours and some of the other mom's. My son, whose name is also MIchael got married just before his 22nd bithday. He confided in me that they (his wife) had talked about it, and that her family was pushing it. I could sense that he was scared and confused, and I told him not to rush into something he was unsure of. They met in college and had only been dating less than a year. After he signed up for the Navy, (he had a 4 mo. waiting period before BC started) they ran off to Vegas and eloped. I didn't find out until almost a week after they were married. He was afraid to tell me cuz he knew I wasn't overly elated with them marrying so young. Still, he is my son and I love him with all my heart, so I welcomed both of them with open arms. They've been married for almost a year now, and are doing just fine. He's based in San Diego, and just recently deployed on the USS Ronald Reagan. The Navy has made a man out of him, and helped him to handle responsibilities. We, as parents only want the very best for our children, but sometimes we need to step aside and just let them be. I'm sure your son will make the right decision, and be just fine.

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Permalink Reply by Ellen Shanley on November 5, 2008 at 9:39am

I would start by exploring the reasons why he is in such a hurry to be married. There are many benefits financially for a young sailor that does get married, but that really isn't a good reason to commit yourself to someone. Ask him about the relationship with the bride-to-be. How long have they known one another? Does he know her family and what they're about? Have they visited with a pastor to discuss getting ready for a lifelong commitment? Where do they stand financially? Have they completed their educations? It is not like you want to submarine his desires, just make him think realistically about them and about the long-term consequences of saying "I do". I would encourage him to at least wait until he is 21 to make the decision and then to have a 6-12 month engagement at least. The bottom line is, though, that it is their lives and their decisions that will prevail and you have to be ready for him to take all of your well-meaning advice and ignore it and go ahead anyway. The best advice someone once gave me, which I call the "new mother-in-law advice" is this: Shut up, wear beige, sit in the back seat! LOL!! But it is true to the extent that once our kids are adults and out on their own, all we can do is offer our counsel and advice and support. We no longer call the shots. Best of luck to all of you!!

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Permalink Reply by Donna on November 5, 2008 at 11:04am

I hate to say "been there, done that" My son went off and got married a few weeks after BC. Now he is on the west coast and she is on the east coast. Its not easy for either one of them. She can't move out there until he starts A-school and he has been on hold for a sec. check. But with your son his lady friend is already with him. So whats stoping them. It only takes 24hrs to get a licence. And yes he will get more money if he is married. Enough to cover the rent and utilitys. But like you said is that a reason to get married. Make sure it is for love not money to pay the bills. I'm sure you will find the right words. Your a navy mom. : )

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Permalink Reply by Barbara (Derek's Mom) on November 5, 2008 at 2:39pm

I'm with Donna all the way. Both my sons got married, one to a local girl where he was stationed and the other to his HS sweetheart. They're all doing great now (3 years later) but it was very rocky. Deployment will test them like never before. Both boys got married at city hall without telling anybody, they did it a week apart even though they didn't know about each other (both stationed in the same place). One was already planning a wedding but wanted the increase and benefits and the other just wanted the pay increase. Be sure you listen and talk WITH him not AT him, he's a big boy now and even though they will always be our babies they don't understand that yet. If he is asking you for permission maybe he's looking for a way out of it, maybe she's the one pushing it. Delve deep Mom!! Best of luck to both of you!

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Permalink Reply by Sandy Barham on November 5, 2008 at 3:47pm

Support him. You can advise him but he has to make the final decisions. I know this because I am am mom of 8. It is very hard to let go and let them grow up. They will make mistakes, fall on their butts but they will learn from them( hopefully) and get back on their feet. All we as parents can do is love them and support them emotionaly.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy on November 5, 2008 at 4:12pm

Hi Susan. I know exactly what you are going through. My son did the same thing to me about a month before he was deployed. I followed the advice that everyone is giving here. Why now was my first question. I knew it was because of the deployment...but I wanted him to realize it on his own. He eventually did and he did not go through with it. They are still together and hopefully someday when the time is right, it will happen. The important thing is that you two are going to talk about it. That says alot about how you raised him!!!

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Permalink Reply by Judi Yergensen on November 5, 2008 at 6:54pm

Susan its OK Chance came home one day and said mom can you put a wedding together the day after i graduate from high school. Shocked i asked why, with the same questions you did. His answer was i will not go in the Navy with out her or leave her behind when i get sent to SC. We said yes, She (Camille) is a wonderful girl the daughter i never had , she has been living with us while he is boot camp i love her. If that is the worst thing he ever does in his life i have no worries
If you love him you will let him go. Judi

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Permalink Reply by Susan on November 5, 2008 at 7:13pm

Geez...this advice keeps getting better and better. I cannot believe how many of you have been through this. I keep forgetting we are all in the same boat. I have read every response and first of all I am touched and secondly I don't feel so all alone. I think the one problem was that he started this relationship a month before he left, that was 2 years ago. I know he was extremely lonely, and to me they really didn't get to the real part of the relationship, they were in the infatuation stage. Anyway, she moved down there and things are going good so the only thing it has to be about is the money. She has been through a deployment already and handled it well. She is not pregnant. I think he is thinking he will get more money if they marry. I hope he marries her someday, I just want him to buy her a ring and maybe wait another year or two. I don't think that is much for asking. But of course if he decides differently, I will be right there to support both of them. Again, thank you.

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Permalink Reply by Frances S. on November 5, 2008 at 8:16pm

O.K. Take it from a mom that has had 3 in the navy. My daughter marries her sweetheart at 18 and right after she reported to her first duty station. They were h.s. sweethearts, they didn't want to lose each other , blah,blah,blah. The marriage lasted 3 months. different story when they get married with all the responsibility and one of them is gone all the time. My son was 21 and had been with a girl for over a yr. He met her while stationed in Washington D.C. thought he really knew her. They got married she cheated on him while he was at work, out to sea and spent all his money. He came home from a 6 month deployment she had spent all of his extra sea pay. It took him a long time to dig out of his financial hole she dug for him and ruined his perfect credit. My son that is still in the navy and 20 yrs old has met someone over 10 yrs. older than him. I am about to blow a gasket on that one. My point is we need to tell our kids that even though we love them very much and we can relate to the emotions of love it is so much better to wait. these kids have no idea how much things can change and how fast they change when they are on deployment or have to work long stretches and be apart. the responsibility of the one at home is so great. There's the finances, kids, taking care of everything on their own. These kids are so young they haven't a clue. they get overwhelmed and next thing you know they are MISSING so much by being married. They get lonely and then they wonder if it's worth it. Forgive me for butting into anyone's business but I have seen first hand what becomes of these young military marriages. They need to get to know each other and that takes a long time. If it is real it will last and then they can discuss marriage.

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Permalink Reply by spoore on November 5, 2008 at 10:10pm

Tell him NO WAY, my son did the same thing as did my daughter, both ended in divorce, they change too much while they are in and its just no the thing to do. Both of mine say if they had to do it again they wouldn't have gotten married. So, no I would tell him to please wait,,,, if she loves him she will wait for him. If she doesn't wait, it wasn't ment to be anyway. Remember the saying if you love someone let them go, if they come back it was ment to be, if they don't it never was/

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